Feeling rotten sucks

Well, dear reader, I guess it’s only natural that life works through cycles and that there are downs as well as ups.

Right now, it’s a down time.

It is so hard to cope with having pain and being so fatigued by it, I’m just about coping from day-to-day if my routine stays the same, but if it has anything added it becomes impossible to cope. For instance, this week is half term for the kids in my town. So I have Big Girl at home each day. Because I’m still housebound because the access to the house is soo crazy, I can’t take her out anywhere. I can’t let her play in the street because I can’t supervise or stay out there with her. So she has to kick about with me in the house, whatever the weather.

She is great, but it’s hard work, mentally, to continue to come up with ideas about things to do and keep her on track with her routine when I’m dealing with #clairesbaby. And I’m so tired. It’s not getting any easier.

Also, I’m behind on all my paperwork, including the support plan I’m meant to write. I did most of it, but cannot get past the bit where it wants me to document my hopes and dreams. I just find the whole idea of laying my very dreams at the feet of a panel of strangers both humiliating and unnecessary. What part of personalisation states that I am not allowed even to have my private hopes and dreams? Surely it’s self evident that I hope to be better, that I dream of  a “normal” life,  that I would like the family to be happy. Do I really have to spell it out? And where does it end? Am I supposed to write about my deeper hopes- that my relationship isn’t permanently damaged by this experience. That my children still have an active childhood, and that they believe their Mum is still a capable and active woman. That I finish knitting that jumper. That I AM able to cope with work, that I don’t have to spend all the hours I’m not at work sleeping in order to recover. That I can leave the house whenever I want. That my DLA will finally start to be paid into my bank account before I go under. And how about my deeper dreams? the ones about my Mother and I sorting out our relationship; being able to save some money so my kids can go to University; being able to provide care for my parents if and when they need me to.

The whole thing is ridiculous.

Meanwhile, because of the access to the house, and my needing two taxi drivers to go out, they haven’t been able to take me out since before April 1st. So I had the news the physiotherapist has discharged me, because I cancelled two consecutive appointments. So even though I couldn’t get to the appointments for very good reasons, I now have no physiotherapy input. Which doesn’t matter, because I couldn’t get there anyway.

Sorry, this is a pointless, moany post. It’s just a down dip, and I’m looking forward to the upswing next. Will let you know when that happens.

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2 Comments

  1. Claire, so sorry to hear things are getting you down. I really hope things start going your way soon.
    Are there no community physiotherapy services where you live that will come out to you? I know there would be here.
    It really sounds like services up there re letting you down.
    Huge hugs coming your way.
    I am sure your kids see you as the strong person you are, but allow yourself to be human too. Part of strength is to show when things are too much, not keeping things bottled up, it’s showing how to get through adversity that is the lesson, we don’t have to be a chipper Disney princess all the way through that.
    Take care of you

    Reply
    • Thank you, Kirsty. It sucks because I’m used to being a super-capable person, and I’m having to adjust to being a person with limited resources in terms of energy and painfree time. That means I don’t get much done, which is affecting my self-esteem because of my ridiculous work ethic! Need to do a bit of Occupational Balancing and remind myself of the value of Leisure time!

      Reply

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